Today I didn't start thinking about it until I had a break at work. But, as soon as I was in the quiet of my office and my mind began to settle, my thoughts immediately went to my oldest son.
I went through my daily routine of checking the judiciary website, texting him, waiting five minutes, texting him again, calling him and texting him again several times in five minute increments. When he doesn't return my calls or texts, my mind begins to wonder. Is he in jail? Is he dead? Did he forget to go to his PO appointment? Will he fail his urine test? Where did he sleep last night?
My thoughts are consumed with concern and worry for him and I am paralyzed for a time until I hear from him or force myself to think about something else. But, anxiety and panic are easily triggered if I let my mind wander to dangerous possibilities or if I see a landscaping truck* - tears come to my eyes and the sadness is overwhelming.
I go through the motions of every day trying to be functional at work, present at home, but I consistently have to refocus on the tasks at hand, not consuming myself with thoughts of my son, but on the here and now.
I know it is not healthy. I know that he does not spend even 1% of his day concerned about me or his family, but I find myself consistently thinking, worrying and praying for him.
I have been grieving for more time than I should be, giving into my fears. Or maybe I have been in the stage of depression too long and not it's time to be angry and work through that stage. My counselor told me that she sensed I was angry with J and she is right. I am angry that he lost his job...again. I am angry that he won't get the help he needs or deserves. I am angry that he is living so contrary to the way he was raised. I am angry that he has no desire to see his children regularly or be a Daddy to/for them. I am angry that I can not do anything to make him want to change. I am angry that he uses my parents, especially my mother and that she refuses to follow our wishes, even the wishes of my father and continues to coddle him and allow him to be stuck in his way of life. I am angry that I have also allowed myself to be an enabler to J.
I think being angry would be helpful if it fueled me to change the way I act and react to J and his lifestyle, but it just makes me feel stuck in a place of helplessness and hopelessness.
I am starting to realize that my grief has turned into worry. I have always had a "Chicken Little" mentality and it has been exemplified in this situation with J. I worry about his well being, his outstanding debt, his children, his future....everything. I start praying for him, but my prayers turn to fretting and my mind fabricates vivid scenarios of tragedy for J. It is not uncommon for me to think about getting a call or a visit from police to inform me that J has died. I also expect to hear that he has been arrested and is back in jail.
~It had been weeks since I saw J and when I did I struggled with wanting to him hug and throttle him. I want to shake him in hopes of stirring up a desire to change, but instead I don't say much. He acts as if he hasn't been gone and tries to slip back into his old routine. My parents let him come back and stay, treating their home like a hotel and chauffeuring him around, not voicing any real concern or need for him to change. I am not sure if they are tired of telling him he needs a job, needs to pay rent, needs to keep his appointments with his probation officer and be responsible and know that their words fall on deaf ears or what, but they are definitely dejected, continue to allow J to live with them without the expectation to change. I know they are disappointed and frustrated and too old to have to worry about him, but they do it and the cycle continues.
I pray for the cycle to be broken - for him to take hold of Jesus, see his potential in Christ and allow Him to work in his life for real, tangible change. I long for J to be able to take hold of his potential and be a functional adult. I hold out hope for his family to be restored and reunited, for him to be the husband and Daddy God has ordained him to be for his children and their mother.
That is all I have - pray, longing and hope. Thankfully that is all I need**
*J had what seemed like a dream job for him - manual labor, 8 AM - 4 PM, Monday-Friday and he lost it when he went to court for drug charges that resulted in probation. I still lament this loss.
**I also have a great counselor helping me work through this journey with J and focus on the fact that it is all part of my story, but is primarily J's story and that God is not finished writing it yet.
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