When you have had your heart broken more than once it makes you a little hesitant to meet new people or believe in love. I was sure that the Boy that I Fell in Love with in High School was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but I was wrong. When I realized we were not going to be a forever kind of romance, I wanted out and wanted out fast because it all hurt too much, to see the future and realize he was not a part of it. And then to find out a few weeks after I tried to end things that I was pregnant was almost more than I could handle. But, I believed that that child may have saved my life because I had the courage to do the right thing and break things off even when it was hard and uncertainty loomed large and scary.
So, I hesitated each time someone glanced my way or showed a bit of interest because what if this time when my heart was broken it was not only too much for me, but also for him, my son, my child who so longed for a Daddy and a family. I prayed that I would be content to be single as to not have my heart or my son's broken, that we could and were making it with ourselves and Jesus and that was enough.
Then the Man Child Out of the Blue entered my life and I was literally swept off my feet. Flowers and promises, unspoken dreams to become reality and surely God had placed him there like an unexpected surprise because I had declared my singleness unless He moved and moved big and everything seemed too good to be true. Because it was. Another broken engagement, another broken heart. I overheard my son at the young age of 5 tell his best friend that the Man Child had lied and broken my heart and that it was not okay to do that. I think his must have been broken, too.
So, I built a wall of anger that turned the mortar to bitterness and for a season longed to love someone who was always meant for someone else. Each time it seemed as though God was indeed sending someone to mend my brokenness he was soon claimed by someone else. And it hurt so deeply.
Then I realized that in my brokenness I had forgotten the One that can heal all wounds and bind the brokenhearted. I confessed my bitterness and anger and felt like a weight had literally been taken off of my shoulders. And it looked like He would redeem a past relationship and reunite me and my son with The Boy from High School, so we trusted and leaned in to find Him once again saying, No and Wait, I have someone hand picked for you.
And in an unexpected way and in a way that only God can orchestrate, He lead me to my husband. I would have never guessed we would meet the way we did or end up in a relationship, but as we let God lead us, He began to weave an amazing picture of love and healing in two lives that desperately needed each other.
He fulfilled my dreams beyond my wildest imaginations and allowed me to marry my best friend, my soul mate, the one my heart longed for and it has been the most amazing 12 years I could have ever imagined.
The One Worth Waiting For is the one I was meant to be with and I am so blessed to be doing life with him.
Happy Anniversary, babe! I love you!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Until It Wasn't
I lived in the same house on the same street for 27 years. I moved 1300 miles away from my family, friends and everything familiar when I got married. I had no idea how hard it would be to be so far away from everyone I loved, everything I had know for my whole life. I knew God had orchestrated me finding my husband and us getting married, so I knew He was paving a way for me to feel loved and accepted so far from home. And He did, in the form of a church that was not made of brick or mortar, but of people that became my family.
When we joined LFC as a family of 5 we were immediately accepted and loved. We became part of a family of believers that were doing life together. We immersed ourselves in ministry and began growing spiritually. It was not easy when the pastor resigned a few months after we joined and the search for a new pastor began. Half of the church left when the pastor did, but we stayed and persevered with those we had grown to love and believed that God was doing a great thing and He was and He did.
When the new pastor was ushered in, more change came about and we got a new location, new members and a new name. But, LHC continued to be a place to meet more people, express and feel more love and see growth in ourselves and our children. We again became involved in ministry and gained more family.
After 3 years of serving at LHC, God impressed on us that it was time to move back to MD, so that my husband could join my father in the family business. Even though, I knew the move was necessary, I did not like it. Selfishly, I wanted to stay because I had grown to love our church family so much. I knew that I had never experienced what we were experiencing at LHC anywhere else and I was afraid of never experiencing that again. These people were helping me raise my children, strengthen my marriage and change my life. I couldn't imagine leaving and yet we did and were back on the east coast in the summer of 2006.
Much as I had when I first left and got married, I felt such loss when I arrived back in my hometown, on the same street, in the same house. I was overwhelmingly sad and struggled with having to go find a new place to worship. I was convinced that nothing was ever going to be like LHC, that there weren't people that would feel like family here and that we would not be able to find a place to worship and minister like we had before. And when our search began it felt like I was right. Nothing felt the same. Nothing felt like home.
Until we visited LHC in MD. The first time we walked through the doors it was like coming home. We felt loved and accepted and at peace. I had been sure we would never feel like we had at LHC in TX and yet we had found a place where we felt like family. And it was lovely.
We opened ourselves up to the members of LHC and began to minister again. We found hope and encouragement when our son went wayward, when our daughter chose to move back home and when my husband lost not one, but two jobs. We started to serve on staff and became part of the visionaries that saw a church on the move and with a future. The pastor and his family became, not just our friends, but our family. We couldn't see ourselves serving or worshiping anywhere else ever. And it was good.
Until it wasn't. The church was growing and was in need of expansion and a new building was sought out, a new plan for a new vision was being birthed and with it came pride and destruction. We began to have our loyalty questioned and to be shirked from the very people we trusted to lead us and guide us. It became about money and numbers and not ministry and spiritual growth. We wrestled with the fact that we would have to leave, our hearts broken and our lives unraveling. So, we stayed when we felt like God was telling us to and we came under more persecution and despair. Then after a long year of questioning and doubting we felt God release us to move on from LHC, so we did.
And it was hard, so very hard. I cried each night for months before we made the final decision to leave and months after we left, so heartbroken, by having to leave and by the way we were being treated by the pastor and his wife when we left. And that is not right. It was not okay for us to be ignored and mistreated by the very people that were called to love and lead us. Personal or not, a pastor is a shepherd and if his sheep leave he should seek to know why and to ease the hurt and pain and to lead by example on how to treat those that have moved on from the fold. But, he didn't and his wife didn't and we were not the first that were dismissed so rudely or abruptly. It had happened before us and has happened after us. And I think that makes me the most sad. That in a place where this should not be happening, it is happening on a regular basis.
And it still hurts. When I was deleted by them on Facebook, it hurt. When I see comments they make on others' statuses, it still hurts. It really hurts. But, I also know that that is not the way that The Church works even if some of those that are a part of the church choose to act that way.
We have found another place to worship and are slowing finding friends that are becoming like family. It has not been easy and we have been cautious, but God is a God of redemption and a Healer of broken hearts. He is redeeming us and healing our hearts and lives. For that we are thankful and know that He will guide us and allow us to minister again.
In all of this, we need to be reminded that God is the only One who loves perfectly and without fail. We are all broken people trying our best to live life together. And a pastor is not to be valued more than Jesus. He is a front runner for the One who will come and call us home. As we wait, we are going to try to live a life that would honor Him with others wanting to do the same.
When we joined LFC as a family of 5 we were immediately accepted and loved. We became part of a family of believers that were doing life together. We immersed ourselves in ministry and began growing spiritually. It was not easy when the pastor resigned a few months after we joined and the search for a new pastor began. Half of the church left when the pastor did, but we stayed and persevered with those we had grown to love and believed that God was doing a great thing and He was and He did.
When the new pastor was ushered in, more change came about and we got a new location, new members and a new name. But, LHC continued to be a place to meet more people, express and feel more love and see growth in ourselves and our children. We again became involved in ministry and gained more family.
After 3 years of serving at LHC, God impressed on us that it was time to move back to MD, so that my husband could join my father in the family business. Even though, I knew the move was necessary, I did not like it. Selfishly, I wanted to stay because I had grown to love our church family so much. I knew that I had never experienced what we were experiencing at LHC anywhere else and I was afraid of never experiencing that again. These people were helping me raise my children, strengthen my marriage and change my life. I couldn't imagine leaving and yet we did and were back on the east coast in the summer of 2006.
Much as I had when I first left and got married, I felt such loss when I arrived back in my hometown, on the same street, in the same house. I was overwhelmingly sad and struggled with having to go find a new place to worship. I was convinced that nothing was ever going to be like LHC, that there weren't people that would feel like family here and that we would not be able to find a place to worship and minister like we had before. And when our search began it felt like I was right. Nothing felt the same. Nothing felt like home.
Until we visited LHC in MD. The first time we walked through the doors it was like coming home. We felt loved and accepted and at peace. I had been sure we would never feel like we had at LHC in TX and yet we had found a place where we felt like family. And it was lovely.
We opened ourselves up to the members of LHC and began to minister again. We found hope and encouragement when our son went wayward, when our daughter chose to move back home and when my husband lost not one, but two jobs. We started to serve on staff and became part of the visionaries that saw a church on the move and with a future. The pastor and his family became, not just our friends, but our family. We couldn't see ourselves serving or worshiping anywhere else ever. And it was good.
Until it wasn't. The church was growing and was in need of expansion and a new building was sought out, a new plan for a new vision was being birthed and with it came pride and destruction. We began to have our loyalty questioned and to be shirked from the very people we trusted to lead us and guide us. It became about money and numbers and not ministry and spiritual growth. We wrestled with the fact that we would have to leave, our hearts broken and our lives unraveling. So, we stayed when we felt like God was telling us to and we came under more persecution and despair. Then after a long year of questioning and doubting we felt God release us to move on from LHC, so we did.
And it was hard, so very hard. I cried each night for months before we made the final decision to leave and months after we left, so heartbroken, by having to leave and by the way we were being treated by the pastor and his wife when we left. And that is not right. It was not okay for us to be ignored and mistreated by the very people that were called to love and lead us. Personal or not, a pastor is a shepherd and if his sheep leave he should seek to know why and to ease the hurt and pain and to lead by example on how to treat those that have moved on from the fold. But, he didn't and his wife didn't and we were not the first that were dismissed so rudely or abruptly. It had happened before us and has happened after us. And I think that makes me the most sad. That in a place where this should not be happening, it is happening on a regular basis.
And it still hurts. When I was deleted by them on Facebook, it hurt. When I see comments they make on others' statuses, it still hurts. It really hurts. But, I also know that that is not the way that The Church works even if some of those that are a part of the church choose to act that way.
We have found another place to worship and are slowing finding friends that are becoming like family. It has not been easy and we have been cautious, but God is a God of redemption and a Healer of broken hearts. He is redeeming us and healing our hearts and lives. For that we are thankful and know that He will guide us and allow us to minister again.
In all of this, we need to be reminded that God is the only One who loves perfectly and without fail. We are all broken people trying our best to live life together. And a pastor is not to be valued more than Jesus. He is a front runner for the One who will come and call us home. As we wait, we are going to try to live a life that would honor Him with others wanting to do the same.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Hardest Thing I Have EVER Had to Do
Tuesday was one of the hardest days of my life.
We woke that morning expecting to go to work and for my husband to head out of town, but instead we dealt with our oldest son stealing our iPad. My husband was able to track him down, but he denied having it or taking it. It was less than 30 minutes from the time we discovered it missing and we found him and he didn't have it on him. We then realized that when he came home at 4 AM he could have easily swiped it and given it to whoever brought him home.
This is not the first time he has stolen from us. A few years ago he took our daughter's iPod and last year he stole another iPod from her, video games from my son and money from all of us. Things have been going missing from our house for 5 years and we have never pressed charges until now.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to press charges. He shows no remorse even when it was revealed that he had also taken jewelry from my mother as recently as two weeks ago and has been using my husband's ID at pawn shops to pawn other stolen items. It is not just about stealing from his family anymore. It is about so much more and we have allowed it to happen for too long.
A few months ago he registered for school and apparently the semester started this week. He is now begging us to not have him arrested, but with his current charges he is also in violation for his probation conditions. I do not necessarily want to see him get arrested at school, but he needs to have consequences for his actions.
My parents, whom he normally stays with when he is not running the streets and sleeping in cars, filed a petition with the courts that when he is picked up that he will be taken to the hospital first for a psychiatric evaluation. He has been diagnosed with a mood disorder, but has been self medicating with drugs and alcohol. He needs help, a lot of help.
I am praying more now than before that this would be a drastic turning point in his life. He is only 21 and has two small children. He needs to get himself back on track for himself and those babies.
I just pray I did the right thing, because it was the hardest thing for me to do.
We woke that morning expecting to go to work and for my husband to head out of town, but instead we dealt with our oldest son stealing our iPad. My husband was able to track him down, but he denied having it or taking it. It was less than 30 minutes from the time we discovered it missing and we found him and he didn't have it on him. We then realized that when he came home at 4 AM he could have easily swiped it and given it to whoever brought him home.
This is not the first time he has stolen from us. A few years ago he took our daughter's iPod and last year he stole another iPod from her, video games from my son and money from all of us. Things have been going missing from our house for 5 years and we have never pressed charges until now.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to press charges. He shows no remorse even when it was revealed that he had also taken jewelry from my mother as recently as two weeks ago and has been using my husband's ID at pawn shops to pawn other stolen items. It is not just about stealing from his family anymore. It is about so much more and we have allowed it to happen for too long.
A few months ago he registered for school and apparently the semester started this week. He is now begging us to not have him arrested, but with his current charges he is also in violation for his probation conditions. I do not necessarily want to see him get arrested at school, but he needs to have consequences for his actions.
My parents, whom he normally stays with when he is not running the streets and sleeping in cars, filed a petition with the courts that when he is picked up that he will be taken to the hospital first for a psychiatric evaluation. He has been diagnosed with a mood disorder, but has been self medicating with drugs and alcohol. He needs help, a lot of help.
I am praying more now than before that this would be a drastic turning point in his life. He is only 21 and has two small children. He needs to get himself back on track for himself and those babies.
I just pray I did the right thing, because it was the hardest thing for me to do.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Hope Remains
Today I didn't start thinking about it until I had a break at work. But, as soon as I was in the quiet of my office and my mind began to settle, my thoughts immediately went to my oldest son.
I went through my daily routine of checking the judiciary website, texting him, waiting five minutes, texting him again, calling him and texting him again several times in five minute increments. When he doesn't return my calls or texts, my mind begins to wonder. Is he in jail? Is he dead? Did he forget to go to his PO appointment? Will he fail his urine test? Where did he sleep last night?
My thoughts are consumed with concern and worry for him and I am paralyzed for a time until I hear from him or force myself to think about something else. But, anxiety and panic are easily triggered if I let my mind wander to dangerous possibilities or if I see a landscaping truck* - tears come to my eyes and the sadness is overwhelming.
I go through the motions of every day trying to be functional at work, present at home, but I consistently have to refocus on the tasks at hand, not consuming myself with thoughts of my son, but on the here and now.
I know it is not healthy. I know that he does not spend even 1% of his day concerned about me or his family, but I find myself consistently thinking, worrying and praying for him.
I have been grieving for more time than I should be, giving into my fears. Or maybe I have been in the stage of depression too long and not it's time to be angry and work through that stage. My counselor told me that she sensed I was angry with J and she is right. I am angry that he lost his job...again. I am angry that he won't get the help he needs or deserves. I am angry that he is living so contrary to the way he was raised. I am angry that he has no desire to see his children regularly or be a Daddy to/for them. I am angry that I can not do anything to make him want to change. I am angry that he uses my parents, especially my mother and that she refuses to follow our wishes, even the wishes of my father and continues to coddle him and allow him to be stuck in his way of life. I am angry that I have also allowed myself to be an enabler to J.
I think being angry would be helpful if it fueled me to change the way I act and react to J and his lifestyle, but it just makes me feel stuck in a place of helplessness and hopelessness.
I am starting to realize that my grief has turned into worry. I have always had a "Chicken Little" mentality and it has been exemplified in this situation with J. I worry about his well being, his outstanding debt, his children, his future....everything. I start praying for him, but my prayers turn to fretting and my mind fabricates vivid scenarios of tragedy for J. It is not uncommon for me to think about getting a call or a visit from police to inform me that J has died. I also expect to hear that he has been arrested and is back in jail.
~It had been weeks since I saw J and when I did I struggled with wanting to him hug and throttle him. I want to shake him in hopes of stirring up a desire to change, but instead I don't say much. He acts as if he hasn't been gone and tries to slip back into his old routine. My parents let him come back and stay, treating their home like a hotel and chauffeuring him around, not voicing any real concern or need for him to change. I am not sure if they are tired of telling him he needs a job, needs to pay rent, needs to keep his appointments with his probation officer and be responsible and know that their words fall on deaf ears or what, but they are definitely dejected, continue to allow J to live with them without the expectation to change. I know they are disappointed and frustrated and too old to have to worry about him, but they do it and the cycle continues.
I pray for the cycle to be broken - for him to take hold of Jesus, see his potential in Christ and allow Him to work in his life for real, tangible change. I long for J to be able to take hold of his potential and be a functional adult. I hold out hope for his family to be restored and reunited, for him to be the husband and Daddy God has ordained him to be for his children and their mother.
That is all I have - pray, longing and hope. Thankfully that is all I need**
*J had what seemed like a dream job for him - manual labor, 8 AM - 4 PM, Monday-Friday and he lost it when he went to court for drug charges that resulted in probation. I still lament this loss.
**I also have a great counselor helping me work through this journey with J and focus on the fact that it is all part of my story, but is primarily J's story and that God is not finished writing it yet.
I went through my daily routine of checking the judiciary website, texting him, waiting five minutes, texting him again, calling him and texting him again several times in five minute increments. When he doesn't return my calls or texts, my mind begins to wonder. Is he in jail? Is he dead? Did he forget to go to his PO appointment? Will he fail his urine test? Where did he sleep last night?
My thoughts are consumed with concern and worry for him and I am paralyzed for a time until I hear from him or force myself to think about something else. But, anxiety and panic are easily triggered if I let my mind wander to dangerous possibilities or if I see a landscaping truck* - tears come to my eyes and the sadness is overwhelming.
I go through the motions of every day trying to be functional at work, present at home, but I consistently have to refocus on the tasks at hand, not consuming myself with thoughts of my son, but on the here and now.
I know it is not healthy. I know that he does not spend even 1% of his day concerned about me or his family, but I find myself consistently thinking, worrying and praying for him.
I have been grieving for more time than I should be, giving into my fears. Or maybe I have been in the stage of depression too long and not it's time to be angry and work through that stage. My counselor told me that she sensed I was angry with J and she is right. I am angry that he lost his job...again. I am angry that he won't get the help he needs or deserves. I am angry that he is living so contrary to the way he was raised. I am angry that he has no desire to see his children regularly or be a Daddy to/for them. I am angry that I can not do anything to make him want to change. I am angry that he uses my parents, especially my mother and that she refuses to follow our wishes, even the wishes of my father and continues to coddle him and allow him to be stuck in his way of life. I am angry that I have also allowed myself to be an enabler to J.
I think being angry would be helpful if it fueled me to change the way I act and react to J and his lifestyle, but it just makes me feel stuck in a place of helplessness and hopelessness.
I am starting to realize that my grief has turned into worry. I have always had a "Chicken Little" mentality and it has been exemplified in this situation with J. I worry about his well being, his outstanding debt, his children, his future....everything. I start praying for him, but my prayers turn to fretting and my mind fabricates vivid scenarios of tragedy for J. It is not uncommon for me to think about getting a call or a visit from police to inform me that J has died. I also expect to hear that he has been arrested and is back in jail.
~It had been weeks since I saw J and when I did I struggled with wanting to him hug and throttle him. I want to shake him in hopes of stirring up a desire to change, but instead I don't say much. He acts as if he hasn't been gone and tries to slip back into his old routine. My parents let him come back and stay, treating their home like a hotel and chauffeuring him around, not voicing any real concern or need for him to change. I am not sure if they are tired of telling him he needs a job, needs to pay rent, needs to keep his appointments with his probation officer and be responsible and know that their words fall on deaf ears or what, but they are definitely dejected, continue to allow J to live with them without the expectation to change. I know they are disappointed and frustrated and too old to have to worry about him, but they do it and the cycle continues.
I pray for the cycle to be broken - for him to take hold of Jesus, see his potential in Christ and allow Him to work in his life for real, tangible change. I long for J to be able to take hold of his potential and be a functional adult. I hold out hope for his family to be restored and reunited, for him to be the husband and Daddy God has ordained him to be for his children and their mother.
That is all I have - pray, longing and hope. Thankfully that is all I need**
*J had what seemed like a dream job for him - manual labor, 8 AM - 4 PM, Monday-Friday and he lost it when he went to court for drug charges that resulted in probation. I still lament this loss.
**I also have a great counselor helping me work through this journey with J and focus on the fact that it is all part of my story, but is primarily J's story and that God is not finished writing it yet.
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