I could not remember a time since getting saved where I wasn't missed if I wasn't at church on Sunday. Someone would call or send a message via my parents or sisters and I knew I mattered, that my presence was important. That I was missed.
I didn't miss church much until after my first son was born and then there were ear infections and colds and there were still phone calls and notes of being missed.
And it was comforting. Not that being there and being noticed was the most important part of going to church or the reason I went, but it was nice to be missed. For someone to miss my hug or my face or my voice.
Then we were struggling with whether or not to stay and I was struggling with some intense health issues and we started to miss services and there were no phone calls. No emails. No texts. Nothing to say I was missed. And it hurt. A lot.
I wanted a reason to stay in a place where we were no longer wanted. I wanted to be able to have something good and hopeful to cling to to be able to make the leaving easier. But, it was not there. It was devastating to not be missed.
I have made it important to mention to those I don't see on Sunday that I miss them. That I missed their hug and their face and their voice.
But, at this place of worship we attend right now there are many people there, so many we do not know and we missed church for various reasons for three weeks in a row and not one person mentioned that we were missed. And it hurt all over again.
I don't want church to be about whether or not I am missed, but being part of a community that needs your hugs and face and voice is important. I want that again.
I want to be missed.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
In-Laws
The first time she sent me an email and signed it "Love, Mom" I smiled. I felt so blessed to have a future mother-in-law that was already so accepting of me and my son. And when I flew to TX on my then fiancé's birthday to surprise him, she and my future sister-in-law picked me up and when she hosted me at her house I was again thankful for the family I was becoming a part of in just a few short months. My father-in-law was a bit less congenial and seemed a bit too bold in his opinions and such, but she balanced him out and I felt comfortable.
She was helpful and loving and easily became my confidant. Being so far away from my own mother wasn't so heartbreaking, knowing she was a few blocks or a phone call away. She loved her son and her grandchildren and seemed so happy to have a daughter in law that she got along with this time. I took her stories of his first wife with a grain of salt and tried hard to meet her expectations of me as a wife and mother. She made it easy, or so it seemed.
When I became pregnant, she came to our house by herself, glad that the children weren't home so she could talk to us. She seemed broken, but it was soon evident that she was hurt and angry and accusatory. She began to spew hateful words at me and my newlywed husband and I was immediately defensive and devastated. I wasn't sure how it happened, but there was now a rift in our relationship that would never fully heal. I became too sensitive to everything she said or did and I was constantly worried about doing the right thing.
When I suffered from postpartum depression I wanted to tell her she was a part of my suffering, that she made it hard for me to be a wife and mother now, with her constant judging and silent looks of disdain. I started to loathe family gatherings and longed to have things return to the way they once were, but it never happened.
When we moved back to my hometown I was relieved to be so far away from them, but she still managed to communicate her and my father-in-law's dislike for our parenting style and lifestyle. Her visits brought about anxiety, not excitement and I was quietly thankful that I had to work while they were in town.
I envy my sister and her relationship with her in-laws. She has such a wonderful relationship with all of them. All of their gatherings are full of love and laughter and I long for that, but know it will never come.
My mother-in-law continues to do and say things that drive our family further apart from each other, undermining our parenting and causing my step children to retreat from me and my husband. And she is neither sorry or apologetic for her words and actions and I don't think she cares or wants a reconciliation for our family. And the way that she now advocates for my husband's ex-wife is appalling and ridiculous at best.
And it makes me very sad. So very sad.
She was helpful and loving and easily became my confidant. Being so far away from my own mother wasn't so heartbreaking, knowing she was a few blocks or a phone call away. She loved her son and her grandchildren and seemed so happy to have a daughter in law that she got along with this time. I took her stories of his first wife with a grain of salt and tried hard to meet her expectations of me as a wife and mother. She made it easy, or so it seemed.
When I became pregnant, she came to our house by herself, glad that the children weren't home so she could talk to us. She seemed broken, but it was soon evident that she was hurt and angry and accusatory. She began to spew hateful words at me and my newlywed husband and I was immediately defensive and devastated. I wasn't sure how it happened, but there was now a rift in our relationship that would never fully heal. I became too sensitive to everything she said or did and I was constantly worried about doing the right thing.
When I suffered from postpartum depression I wanted to tell her she was a part of my suffering, that she made it hard for me to be a wife and mother now, with her constant judging and silent looks of disdain. I started to loathe family gatherings and longed to have things return to the way they once were, but it never happened.
When we moved back to my hometown I was relieved to be so far away from them, but she still managed to communicate her and my father-in-law's dislike for our parenting style and lifestyle. Her visits brought about anxiety, not excitement and I was quietly thankful that I had to work while they were in town.
I envy my sister and her relationship with her in-laws. She has such a wonderful relationship with all of them. All of their gatherings are full of love and laughter and I long for that, but know it will never come.
My mother-in-law continues to do and say things that drive our family further apart from each other, undermining our parenting and causing my step children to retreat from me and my husband. And she is neither sorry or apologetic for her words and actions and I don't think she cares or wants a reconciliation for our family. And the way that she now advocates for my husband's ex-wife is appalling and ridiculous at best.
And it makes me very sad. So very sad.
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