There was a time when I could identify my feelings and feel them in a real tangible way, to cry and speak and just feel. I could sort through them and get past the sadness and disappointment and continue to function and live.
Then there was a time when I allowed myself to feel and cry and I couldn't stop. I would cry and stay sad, willing others through my tears to change. But, my crying never changed anyone, not even me. I just became someone who piled others' problems on my shoulders, blaming myself, becoming angry with unmet expectations and sinking deep into depression.
And now, I do not let myself cry or feel or go to the place where I am sad. I bottle everything up and keep it all neatly tucked away, so that I can still function, afraid to let myself cry for fear that I will not be able to stop.
I need to find a balance. I need to be able to cry and not have to wallow in my sorrow or take others' shortcomings as my own, enabling them to continue in their dysfunction, blaming myself and trying to change and fix everything.
I am not sure how to get there, to that place. But, I am willing to try.
