My Voice

I am not sure when it happened. If it was after I got married or after I had birthed my third child, but it happened and at times I am proud of my strength and voice in the face of unfairness and adversity and other times it tears and pulls at the very fabric of my family and I feel guilty and ashamed for not honoring my husband and the quietness my soul used to have.

I feel like a Momma bear and do not want to be a woman scorned, but I react in the name of defense of my family, my husband and my children and if you have long tried to cut and destroy our fabric, you will receive a double dose of hell fire and brimstone, especially if you are working from the inside out. If you are family and are spewing lies and destruction, there is little grace for you in the outlashing and as hard as I love, I hurt that much harder. I will do anything and everything to make sure you never do it again.

I am not sure what makes a person want to lie and destroy as it is not my nature. My desire is to uphold a reputation of integrity for myself and my family. I fall short of that, of course, as I am not perfect and when an offense is made, I hurt and I ask for forgiveness and I pray for grace and a second chance. I do not understand someone who purposely seeks to devour and destroy, whose own desires outweigh what is right and will do anything to hurt someone. It doesn't make sense to me when someone will openly lie and twist the truth and then hold on to it as if life depends on it, watching it erode and ruin a person's life, then a family's structure, the future and all that is sacred and honorable.

I know hurt people, hurt people, but I do not understand when someone who has been hurt will tear apart the people who have stood by them and loved them and do whatever they can to dishonor their family.

I have been hurt, deeply, to the core of my being, but I never let it destroy me or the people who stood by me during that time. I internalized a lot of my hurt and maybe that is where my recent outburst of reactions is coming from toward those that have long been trying to destroy my husband, my children and my family.

And it is hard for me to speak my mind and not have a resolution to the situation. It is hard for me to be cut off from their lives by their choice because they are family. And it is hard for me to stand by my husband's choice to cut ties with his daughter and mother, when I feel that I spun the whole situation out of control by my actions and reactions. But, I will honor his decision and pray that the truth is revealed in God's time, in His way and for His glory.

I am thankful that I have found my voice, but I want to be able to use it in the right way, for the right reasons, to be at peace when I use it and know that it is helping others to heal, not hurt or be hurt.

    

Never Be

When I said "I Do" to my husband, I was not just entering into a relationship of holy matrimony, but I was entering into new ground as a wife and mother. My 9 years of being a single mom ended that day and instead of one child, I had now had 3. Three children, ages 9, 9 and 5 that all desperately wanted a family where two parents loved each other and Jesus and were committed to being together forever. And my husband and I gave them that. Twelve years later, we love each other and Jesus and are committed to being together forever. But, that in and of itself was not enough.

J longed for a Daddy who was present every day. Who would be at every sporting event, play catch with him, do homework with him and remember his birthday. Someone he could count on and look up to, knowing that he was loved and wanted. And Rick gave him all of that and more. But, it wasn't enough. He never wanted to take the place of J's biological father and his father made sure he never did. Spewing lies and empty promises, casting doubts and division. He did not want to be what J so desperately needed, but wasn't about to let anyone else be it for him, either. And that was enough to weaken the foundation we so carefully built for our blended family. J's behaviors and choices changed and he would soon reap what he was sowing. And in turn I would question everything I had done and blame myself and cheat the younger children out of being the mother I needed to be for them.

D and C never had a mother that was anything but selfish. She didn't even want custody of them. She pushed Rick away with her infidelity and shattered her children's dreams of a happy childhood. The physical and emotional abuse was horrifying, causing D to grow up too fast and delve into things unspeakable for a young child. C would carry with him the wounds of an abused child and sibling, causing him to hate the only person that ever fought for him. The lies of a mother would erode the relationship I tried to cultivate with them, never wanting to replace their mother, but wanting to give them stability and love, protection and guidance to only have them turn their backs on the only family they had known for most of their lives.

I do not regret saying, "I Do" that day and I do not regret the times I bathed them ,washed their clothes, drove them to activity after activity, held them as they cried and watched them leave. But, Mother's Day makes me sad, because even though they do not think of me as a mother to them in any sense of the word, I mourn for the family we will never be. That I always imagined we would.  

Letter to My 16 Year Old Self

Dear Marlen –

I so wish I would have been able to tell you the things I am about to tell you. There is so much I wish you would have known, but I am also thankful for your innocence and love for life.

You are so sure that you are in love right now and I know you care deeply for the Boy, but it is not love. Much of it is lust and a desire to be wanted and needed. Guard your heart and your body. Don’t give that part of yourself away to the Boy. You will not be able to emotionally handle the consequences of having sex with him. It will not bring you closer or guarantee that he will not leave you. I know that you feel committed to him, that you could be with him forever, but you are not married. That type of relationship is for a husband and wife. Do not be fooled by your lust and emotions.

Continue to sing and sing a lot. You have a good voice and have the ability to do even better. Keep practicing and just sing. God loves your praise and worship. And dance. Often. I know your spiritual leaders would encourage it, but God loves to see you dance. It not only allows you to express yourself, but it is helping you exercise and be healthy.

Stop worrying so much about your spiritual walk such as am I reading my 3 chapters a day or spending 15 minutes in prayer and going to church and visitation? Don’t check things off like 5 steps to holiness. Cultivate a relationship with Jesus. Love on Him and let Him love on you. Read His Word and pray because you want to be intimately close to Him, not because it is expected by those around you, but because you love Him.

Don’t let anyone talk you out of breaking up with the Boy. When you decide to write that letter, stand by it. You do not have to stay with him if you know in your heart it is not right. Let him go, let him grow. If it is right, God will bring you back together. You will survive without him and he will survive without you.    

Enjoy spending time with your friends and your sister. Your time with them is short, but you are cultivating friendships that you will have and need for a lifetime. Don’t take advantage of their kindness and loyalty. You will need each other. You can learn many things from them. Pay attention to their strengths and weaknesses and encourage each other to do your best and choose right.

You are just as beautiful and talented and smart as anyone else in your class or at youth group. Do not compare yourself to anyone else. You are uniquely created by God. You are well liked and that is great, but do not dwell on having to be liked by everyone. Some people will not like you and that is okay because they are not the type of people you will want to have as your friends. Your friends will love and accept you and you need to let them be enough.

When your older sister moves away and gets married, you will be sad and that’s okay. She has been your best friend and anchor for a long time, but it time to let her go and let your relationship with her change. You need to not put so much weight into her opinions for your life. She loves you, but you need to remember that you and God know what the best is ultimately for you. Ask Him for advice more than her. 

Your choices at 16 will greatly impact your future and good and bad, they are what they are. Try to let go of the past and look at the present, only glancing at the future. Try to live in the moment, enjoying your youth and not rushing yourself along to grow up so fast. Soon enough you will be an adult and you will long for school and weekends, late night phone calls and slumber parties.

And in case you’re wondering, your love for teaching will remain strong and you will become a second grade teacher. Keep studying and preparing for college. You are going to love learning and getting your degree. But, it won’t be easy. Focus and stay the course. It will be worth it.

Oh, and let that boy serenade you in the cafeteria and don’t be embarrassed. He only wants to share his talent with you and hear someone clap for him. Those staring at him and you are really jealous. To be so lucky to have a friend and admirer like him doesn’t come along often. Enjoy it.

Love – Marlen

PS – Your braces will be off in time for Senior portraits, so stop worrying!