I feel like I have so many things on my mind that if I do not get some of them out and onto paper, I just might explode. I know I was a bit short tempered yesterday and it was due to my frustration with Ashley and her lack of concern for Kaysen's dental health. I may just be perceiving her inaction as a lack of concern and it may not really be that, but I am so frustrated that his teeth are rotting and disintegrating and she seems to continually brush off his need for an appointment. I know she is busy with work, but I feel if it was Kiyah it would be more pertinent. And not only am I concerned about the wealth fare of his teeth, but also that if the situation is not fixed before school starts, she could face possibly investigation from CPS. Any teacher or employee of the school that would see the state of his teeth would be required to report it as negligent. And I do not think she is being purposely being neglectful, but it is so frustrating not knowing what to do or say. Sigh.
I should probably find a new counselor.
And I hate that she has always said that Josh can not have his girlfriends around the children or drive the children anywhere etc., and yet she is living with her boyfriend. Rick said it is because she is raising the children and Josh only sees them on weekends, but I do not think that should matter. It seems like a double standard that only applied when she was not dating someone and Josh was. I understand when Josh seems to have several girlfriends in a short span of time and I also understood it when he was dating a heroin addict - we wouldn't even let her come to our house! - but, again, just a frustrating situation.
I guess that all stems from the fact that I do not want her to date anyone or be happy with anyone, but Josh. Even though, the two of them have not been happy together in a very long time. I just want God to save Ashley and redeem their family. He can do the impossible, right? Because that sure is pretty damn near impossible.
And then there's the whole thing with Josh still being incarcerated. So frustrating that he is dealing with a charge he should never have gotten along with violations that should never have happened and wouldn't have had he not been falsely accused. But, he was accused because of his constant involvement in wrong doing in our community. The police have him pegged as a criminal, so whenever someone can not quite remember who might have done something illegal, they bring out Josh's picture and ask if he was involved. Nine times out of ten the person accusing someone of the crime is in trouble themselves, so Josh is named so that they get out of trouble. They make a deal and Josh pays for it because of his criminal lifestyle. It has happened twice now. I hope he is really ready to make the necessary changes to get his life back and not be the thug with a target on his back.
I am struggling with this whole going back to school thing. I am a bit nervous about it all being online. I do better in the classroom where a teacher can see me and I can be perceived as a good student. At least, that is what I think and am feeling right now. I know getting the loan money will help us right now, but I am concerned about when we have to pay it back, that the monthly payments will be too much even if Rick and I both have full time teaching jobs. Worry, much? I think I just need to calm down and take it one day, one class at a time. And I need to start studying for the Praxis II test. I think Rick and I should take it at the same time. Although, if he passes and I do not, I will be frustrated.
Rick's health is also concerning me. Well, to be honest I am concerned with my health and Kari and Noah's as well. But, then we all eat a bowl of ice cream and try to forget about it. Rick wants to be active with the kiddos this summer and I think he needs to go back to the gym. I just need to use the elliptical I begged Rick to buy me. Sigh. I am normally the one who is always exhausted and Rick gets a few hours of sleep and is like the Energizer Bunny. But, lately he has been falling asleep in his chair a lot and requiring naps. Naps are my thing. LOL He tells me not to worry, but I want to set up his blood work appointment and reschedule his sleep study and schedule other appointments he has been avoiding. I am trying not to nag him, but it is hard not to when it deals with his health. He is not suppose to get sick or be tired.
I need to remember to stay in the moment and not over analyze things that may or may not happen in the future. I really should see about getting another counselor. Although, writing it all out as helped.
