Never Be

When I said "I Do" to my husband, I was not just entering into a relationship of holy matrimony, but I was entering into new ground as a wife and mother. My 9 years of being a single mom ended that day and instead of one child, I had now had 3. Three children, ages 9, 9 and 5 that all desperately wanted a family where two parents loved each other and Jesus and were committed to being together forever. And my husband and I gave them that. Twelve years later, we love each other and Jesus and are committed to being together forever. But, that in and of itself was not enough.

J longed for a Daddy who was present every day. Who would be at every sporting event, play catch with him, do homework with him and remember his birthday. Someone he could count on and look up to, knowing that he was loved and wanted. And Rick gave him all of that and more. But, it wasn't enough. He never wanted to take the place of J's biological father and his father made sure he never did. Spewing lies and empty promises, casting doubts and division. He did not want to be what J so desperately needed, but wasn't about to let anyone else be it for him, either. And that was enough to weaken the foundation we so carefully built for our blended family. J's behaviors and choices changed and he would soon reap what he was sowing. And in turn I would question everything I had done and blame myself and cheat the younger children out of being the mother I needed to be for them.

D and C never had a mother that was anything but selfish. She didn't even want custody of them. She pushed Rick away with her infidelity and shattered her children's dreams of a happy childhood. The physical and emotional abuse was horrifying, causing D to grow up too fast and delve into things unspeakable for a young child. C would carry with him the wounds of an abused child and sibling, causing him to hate the only person that ever fought for him. The lies of a mother would erode the relationship I tried to cultivate with them, never wanting to replace their mother, but wanting to give them stability and love, protection and guidance to only have them turn their backs on the only family they had known for most of their lives.

I do not regret saying, "I Do" that day and I do not regret the times I bathed them ,washed their clothes, drove them to activity after activity, held them as they cried and watched them leave. But, Mother's Day makes me sad, because even though they do not think of me as a mother to them in any sense of the word, I mourn for the family we will never be. That I always imagined we would.