My Voice

I am not sure when it happened. If it was after I got married or after I had birthed my third child, but it happened and at times I am proud of my strength and voice in the face of unfairness and adversity and other times it tears and pulls at the very fabric of my family and I feel guilty and ashamed for not honoring my husband and the quietness my soul used to have.

I feel like a Momma bear and do not want to be a woman scorned, but I react in the name of defense of my family, my husband and my children and if you have long tried to cut and destroy our fabric, you will receive a double dose of hell fire and brimstone, especially if you are working from the inside out. If you are family and are spewing lies and destruction, there is little grace for you in the outlashing and as hard as I love, I hurt that much harder. I will do anything and everything to make sure you never do it again.

I am not sure what makes a person want to lie and destroy as it is not my nature. My desire is to uphold a reputation of integrity for myself and my family. I fall short of that, of course, as I am not perfect and when an offense is made, I hurt and I ask for forgiveness and I pray for grace and a second chance. I do not understand someone who purposely seeks to devour and destroy, whose own desires outweigh what is right and will do anything to hurt someone. It doesn't make sense to me when someone will openly lie and twist the truth and then hold on to it as if life depends on it, watching it erode and ruin a person's life, then a family's structure, the future and all that is sacred and honorable.

I know hurt people, hurt people, but I do not understand when someone who has been hurt will tear apart the people who have stood by them and loved them and do whatever they can to dishonor their family.

I have been hurt, deeply, to the core of my being, but I never let it destroy me or the people who stood by me during that time. I internalized a lot of my hurt and maybe that is where my recent outburst of reactions is coming from toward those that have long been trying to destroy my husband, my children and my family.

And it is hard for me to speak my mind and not have a resolution to the situation. It is hard for me to be cut off from their lives by their choice because they are family. And it is hard for me to stand by my husband's choice to cut ties with his daughter and mother, when I feel that I spun the whole situation out of control by my actions and reactions. But, I will honor his decision and pray that the truth is revealed in God's time, in His way and for His glory.

I am thankful that I have found my voice, but I want to be able to use it in the right way, for the right reasons, to be at peace when I use it and know that it is helping others to heal, not hurt or be hurt.