I was two weeks late, but chalked it up to the stress of starting college and trying to break off my engagement. I had been super tired and just feeling off, but I didn't want to admit that I could be pregnant. I knew it was a possibility, but I couldn't wrap my brain around the possibility.
A dear friend drove me to a nearby clinic and waited in the waiting room for me. I watched a video about the miracle of life and I was just numb. I walked to the bathroom down the hall to collect my urine sample, passing several business men in the hallway with my plastic cup. I waited for the young volunteer to complete the test and what should have taken several minutes yielded results in seconds. It was confirmed. I was 9 weeks pregnant.
My friend cried when I told her the news and we drove to the grocery store to get another test. The cashier asked if it was a happy occasion and I just smiled a weak smile. We went to one of her friend's houses, not wanting either of our parents to know what we were doing. I was only 17 and having to tell me parents was becoming a scary reality.
The second test confirmed what we already knew and I called him at work to ask him to come and see me, that we had to talk. He picked me up and we went to a park. I told him and he said he knew. He seemed satisfied and happy. I was numb.
We went back to my house and didn't tell my parents. We just watched TV for awhile and then he went home. I decided that I would go see my friend and youth pastor's wife in the morning. I am not sure that I even slept that night.
I skipped class the next day and went to confide in my friend. I couldn't even get the words out, only tears. She had been in a similar situation and knew exactly how I was feeling. She cried along with me and advised me not to wait to tell my parents.
I went home and let me parents think I had been at school. I was so tired and was starting to feel the weight of the whole situation. I was scared and uncertain. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I was in college, in the church choir and girls' group, had just received the Christian Character award at graduation and had made the decision to break off my engagement. I could not have this baby. I could not be pregnant.
Talking to him made things more confusing. He wanted to get married right away. He would tell his parents and I would tell mine and then we would decide what to do next. I didn't want to get married, especially when I was certain we needed to break our engagement. I regret not telling our parents together. But, I wasn't sure how my father would react and wanted to protect him.
I was sick the next day and my mother was sure it was a stomach virus. I knew it wasn't. I had decided to wait to tell my parents when my father got home from work. It was his birthday and I didn't want to ruin it, but I had waited long enough. The last two days, knowing and not being able to tell them was torturous.
I read Psalm 51 over and over until they were both home. I let me father eat his celebration dinner and then I told them. It was a mix of emotions, tears and questions, silence and accusations. I was at an odd place of peace, finally being able to share my secret, exposing my deepest fears and newest heartache.
I never wanted to disappoint them. I wasn't sure what they would even say, but was so thankful that they offered their support. They said they would support me if I decided to marry him, if I decided not to marry him, if I decided to place the baby for adoption...whatever I decided, they would support me.
The next few days were the hardest I have ever had to deal with up to that point in my life. I went from a scared young girl to a scared young woman overnight. I had to tell our pastor and our church, my college professor and my older sister. It was overwhelming for me and yet I chose to do it alone. I hadn't yet told him that I would not marry him, but had decided with my actions of keeping him out of everything that I had indeed chosen to do this on my own. I regretted not being able to trust him enough or love him enough to marry him, but I couldn't. And that drove him away and he would never return to be the father his child needed.
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