I still remember the first time I saw him, standing in the doorway. I remember his eyes and his sideways smile. I remember the second time I saw him, standing by the windows, ball cap on, jeans and a t-shirt. I remember thinking I'd like to date him.
I had gone through the whole "making circumstances turn my way" so, I decided to wait on the Lord and pray a lot. And it didn't hurt to talk to his younger sister and best friend about how I felt about him. But, I mainly wanted it to be right with God before I let myself believe it was right for us to be together.
There were doubts among his friends due to his recent bout with alcohol and drugs. There was concern for how his mother would treat me. I was definitely not a party girl and could not see myself with someone wrapped up in all of that. His mother didn't scare me, but inspired me since she was a teacher. I loved helping out in her class and didn't mind at all that she was a strict, concerned single mother wanting the best for her son. I hoped and prayed I would be, could be part of that best that she desired for him.
Apparently, I was and when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I accepted with anxious anticipation of what our relationship would hold. I had never dated someone like him - soft spoken, polite, respectful. He was so talented on any ball field, holding everyone's attention during soccer and basketball games. It was an honor to be his girlfriend. He was well known among his peers and adults alike for his quiet spirit, involvement in his church's bus ministry and his athletic ability.
I expected so much of our relationship since he was the first Christian boy I had ever dated. I dreamed of dates starting with heads bowed in prayer, reading Scriptures together on park benches, attending youth activities and naming future children after Biblical figures.
Reality hit pretty hard and fast when before our first official date he was detained at the school for possible drug possession and intent to sell. Three students were involved and two were expelled. His mother plead his case and he was allowed to stay. Instead of heeding this as a warning, I longed to help him, find out what would make him want to turn to drugs and away from God and see him change. That desire would prove to be harmful in so many ways.
No one can be someone else's Holy Spirit. If someone does not want to change, no one else can make them. Only God can take a heart and turn it toward right. As much as I prayed, as much as I gently encouraged him there was so much hurt and misunderstanding in his heart and mind that he wasn't able to turn from the past and toward what God had planned for him for the future.
Our relationship had not started out as a physical one. It took him a month to even kiss me goodbye. But, when we consciously made the decision to delve deeper into an intimate relationship it happened quickly. Lust is not love and when a relationship turns to be mostly about sneaking away for a sexual experience, it deadens the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit, it hinders the prayers of a conflicted heart and it compromises the decisions and futures of its participants.
And that is what we became. Participants in a relationship that was primarily about the next time we could sleep together and less about growing closer to Christ and deeper in love with each other. We allowed ourselves to be tricked into believing that a future promise of marriage allowed us to act like a married couple. We abused the free will God had given us to choose to be pure until our wedding night and it destroyed our relationship.
After graduation, it became apparent that we were traveling down very different roads, that we wanted completely different endings to our fairy tale romance. He wanted to be free from his parents and out of his house as quickly as possible. I wanted to pursue a college career and to renew our promise of purity, to wait to get married until we were financially ready. I asked him to take a break, to allow us to have some time to figure out if we really wanted the same things or if we needed to break off our engagement and go our separate ways. He was devastated and insisted that we stay together, but agreed to take some time, to give me some space. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant.
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