Finally

Finally all of Josh's charges are closed and he is just serving time. He should be closer to home within 6 months and home by next Christmas. I got to see him a month ago. He looked good - sober, healthy. He said he is done with living in a box and is ready to see his children and be a responsible citizen. So praying!

On Top of Everything Else

I thought Bel Air was in Carroll County, but it's not. No, there are totally new charges. Each time I check, there are new charges. Getting picked up in VA was suppose to help him clear up his warrants and his previous charges, but now there are new ones. Will there ever not be any new ones? Will he ever be sober and clean and not have an active criminal record?

 

On My Mind

I feel like I have so many things on my mind that if I do not get some of them out and onto paper, I just might explode. I know I was a bit short tempered yesterday and it was due to my frustration with Ashley and her lack of concern for Kaysen's dental health. I may just be perceiving her inaction as a lack of concern and it may not really be that, but I am so frustrated that his teeth are rotting and disintegrating and she seems to continually brush off his need for an appointment. I know she is busy with work, but I feel if it was Kiyah it would be more pertinent. And not only am I concerned about the wealth fare of his teeth, but also that if the situation is not fixed before school starts, she could face possibly investigation from CPS. Any teacher or employee of the school that would see the state of his teeth would be required to report it as negligent. And I do not think she is being purposely being neglectful, but it is so frustrating not knowing what to do or say. Sigh.

I should probably find a new counselor.

And I hate that she has always said that Josh can not have his girlfriends around the children or drive the children anywhere etc., and yet she is living with her boyfriend. Rick said it is because she is raising the children and Josh only sees them on weekends, but I do not think that should matter. It seems like a double standard that only applied when she was not dating someone and Josh was. I understand when Josh seems to have several girlfriends in a short span of time and I also understood it when he was dating a heroin addict - we wouldn't even let her come to our house! - but, again, just a frustrating situation.

I guess that all stems from the fact that I do not want her to date anyone or be happy with anyone, but Josh. Even though, the two of them have not been happy together in a very long time. I just want God to save Ashley and redeem their family. He can do the impossible, right? Because that sure is pretty damn near impossible.

And then there's the whole thing with Josh still being incarcerated. So frustrating that he is dealing with a charge he should never have gotten along with violations that should never have happened and wouldn't have had he not been falsely accused. But, he was accused because of his constant involvement in wrong doing in our community. The police have him pegged as a criminal, so whenever someone can not quite remember who might have done something illegal, they bring out Josh's picture and ask if he was involved. Nine times out of ten the person accusing someone of the crime is in trouble themselves, so Josh is named so that they get out of trouble. They make a deal and Josh pays for it because of his criminal lifestyle. It has happened twice now. I hope he is really ready to make the necessary changes to get his life back and not be the thug with a target on his back.

I am struggling with this whole going back to school thing. I am a bit nervous about it all being online. I do better in the classroom where a teacher can see me and I can be perceived as a good student. At least, that is what I think and am feeling right now. I know getting the loan money will help us right now, but I am concerned about when we have to pay it back, that the monthly payments will be too much even if Rick and I both have full time teaching jobs. Worry, much? I think I just need to calm down and take it one day, one class at a time. And I need to start studying for the Praxis II test. I think Rick and I should take it at the same time. Although, if he passes and I do not, I will be frustrated.

Rick's health is also concerning me. Well, to be honest I am concerned with my health and Kari and Noah's as well. But, then we all eat a bowl of ice cream and try to forget about it. Rick wants to be active with the kiddos this summer and I think he needs to go back to the gym. I just need to use the elliptical I begged Rick to buy me. Sigh. I am normally the one who is always exhausted and Rick gets a few hours of sleep and is like the Energizer Bunny. But, lately he has been falling asleep in his chair a lot and requiring naps. Naps are my thing. LOL He tells me not to worry, but I want to set up his blood work appointment and reschedule his sleep study and schedule other appointments he has been avoiding. I am trying not to nag him, but it is hard not to when it deals with his health. He is not suppose to get sick or be tired.

I need to remember to stay in the moment and not over analyze things that may or may not happen in the future. I really should see about getting another counselor. Although, writing it all out as helped.

Spiraling

I am so tired of doing this dance with depression. It is a two step I would rather not be doing. But, here I am again...one step forward and two steps back. I know I bring a lot of it on myself, skipping my devotions and spending so little time in prayer. It is a lie that I have chosen to believe - that I am too tired or whatever excuse I find to avoid doing the things that would help me, but instead I worry and wallow and sleep. It is just easier. I just feel like I let God down and that is why He allows my family to be such a screwed up mess. I just feel so done with all of it.

My health is suffering and so is my husband's and my younger children's, but I would rather sign myself into the hospital then deal with all of it.

Everything is spiraling out of control, but they are things I shouldn't even be in control of......

It is just a wicked cycle.

Longing to Be Missed

I could not remember a time since getting saved where I wasn't missed if I wasn't at church on Sunday. Someone would call or send a message via my parents or sisters and I knew I mattered, that my presence was important. That I was missed.

I didn't miss church much until after my first son was born and then there were ear infections and colds and there were still phone calls and notes of being missed.

And it was comforting. Not that being there and being noticed was the most important part of going to church or the reason I went, but it was nice to be missed. For someone to miss my hug or my face or my voice.

Then we were struggling with whether or not to stay and I was struggling with some intense health issues and we started to miss services and there were no phone calls. No emails. No texts. Nothing to say I was missed. And it hurt. A lot.

I wanted a reason to stay in a place where we were no longer wanted. I wanted to be able to have something good and hopeful to cling to to be able to make the leaving easier. But, it was not there. It was devastating to not be missed.

I have made it important to mention to those I don't see on Sunday that I miss them. That I missed their hug and their face and their voice.

But, at this place of worship we attend right now there are many people there, so many we do not know and we missed church for various reasons for three weeks in a row and not one person mentioned that we were missed. And it hurt all over again.

I don't want church to be about whether or not I am missed, but being part of a community that needs your hugs and face and voice is important. I want that again.

I want to be missed.

In-Laws

The first time she sent me an email and signed it "Love, Mom" I smiled. I felt so blessed to have a future mother-in-law that was already so accepting of me and my son. And when I flew to TX on my then fiancé's birthday to surprise him, she and my future sister-in-law picked me up and when she hosted me at her house I was again thankful for the family I was becoming a part of in just a few short months. My father-in-law was a bit less congenial and seemed a bit too bold in his opinions and such, but she balanced him out and I felt comfortable.

She was helpful and loving and easily became my confidant. Being so far away from my own mother wasn't so heartbreaking, knowing she was a few blocks or a phone call away. She loved her son and her grandchildren and seemed so happy to have a daughter in law that she got along with this time. I took her stories of his first wife with a grain of salt and tried hard to meet her expectations of me as a wife and mother. She made it easy, or so it seemed.

When I became pregnant, she came to our house by herself, glad that the children weren't home so she could talk to us. She seemed broken, but it was soon evident that she was hurt and angry and accusatory. She began to spew hateful words at me and my newlywed husband and I was immediately defensive and devastated. I wasn't sure how it happened, but there was now a rift in our relationship that would never fully heal. I became too sensitive to everything she said or did and I was constantly worried about doing the right thing.  

When I suffered from postpartum depression I wanted to tell her she was a part of my suffering, that she made it hard for me to be a wife and mother now, with her constant judging and silent looks of disdain. I started to loathe family gatherings and longed to have things return to the way they once were, but it never happened.

When we moved back to my hometown I was relieved to be so far away from them, but she still managed to communicate her and my father-in-law's dislike for our parenting style and lifestyle. Her visits brought about anxiety, not excitement and I was quietly thankful that I had to work while they were in town.

I envy my sister and her relationship with her in-laws. She has such a wonderful relationship with all of them. All of their gatherings are full of love and laughter and I long for that, but know it will never come.

My mother-in-law continues to do and say things that drive our family further apart from each other, undermining our parenting and causing my step children to retreat from me and my husband. And she is neither sorry or apologetic for her words and actions and I don't think she cares or wants a reconciliation for our family. And the way that she now advocates for my husband's ex-wife is appalling and ridiculous at best.

And it makes me very sad. So very sad.

Take Me Back

I was making coffee this evening, had my pumpkin candle burning, warm socks on and at the end of the cup of coffee brewing a smell wafted from the machine and I was instantly back in our rental home during the first year of our marriage. We had a cappuccino machine that we used nightly to make coffee concoctions topped with whipped cream and cocoa powder. We would sit on the couch while the children played in their rooms and there was so much promise and hope for our future. Things turned out so differently and as quickly as started to smile, I was sad.

Smells always seem to take me back.....

My grandmother's perfume, watching her put on her bright red lipstick before she and my grandfather treated us to dinner

The smell of a turkey cooking as I woke up on Thanksgiving to see my grandfather basting it in the kitchen

Coconut lime verbena lotion that my best friend gave me at my 30th birthday surprise party. Such a blessed time, but such a hard time. I can not smell it without becoming overwhelmed, not being able to breath because of the postpartum depression I was spiraling into quickly

Victoria Secret's Love Spell sends me back to my wedding day and honeymoon. What a magical time and fairy tale day. Any time I want to feel beautiful I just spritz some on and am transported to our friends' backyard standing before my groom vowing my love to him and then to our cabin in western MD enjoying the first days of being husband and wife

Baby lotion and his first bath, fumbling as a new mother with the help of my sister, wondering how in the world I will be able to raise this baby into a man

My husband's cologne as he finishes dressing for work or another special event, looking so handsome reminding me again and again why I fell in love with him